Sunday, April 24, 2011

Squiggly Sundays - Part 2

Sorry to have left you all waiting - Sundays have been very busy at our house.  We have a wedding this afternoon, and went to Church this morning.  Here we go - brace yourselves lovelies.



Part 2 - Rachael - Me - Squiggly

My Father had arranged a house for us to move in to.  My Mum hid the softball bats and the police were organised.  I had pre-packed as many of my treasures as possible.  We went to my Dad's for the weekend.  When we returned to Mum - it was at our new home.  There are pockets I can remember - and lot's I can't.  Many of my memories are based on my sensory experiences.  Our new house was clean, no cigarette smoke.  We went shopping and bought new bed linen.  My mum was always there.  We were so much happier.  I was happier.  I was also very fragile.  I started Grade 5 at Rosebud Primary School, I was 10 years old.  Black became my favorite colour.  The first signs of anxiety and depression began to surface.

I was always academically bright.  School was now a struggle and whatever my teachers spoke did not make sense.  Mum would pick us up from school, we would drive home and then she would quickly turn around and drive away.  He was there, waiting for us.  Waiting for her.  We spent hours at the beach or drove around.  Hours later he had gone.  Bouquets of flowers were arriving and Mum would leave them to decorate the house.  Why I would ask?  Was she going to get back together with him.  What was our future.  Mum was always worried and anxious.  She always said sorry.  We still had her love and hugs and cuddles.  I knew she was sorry.

One day I remember sitting on her bed while she brushed her hair.  I loved watching her at her dressing table. I asked her a question.  Quietly I asked.  She answered yes.  He did hurt her.  He hurt her and threatened to hurt me too.  She took it.  I could hear it from my room next door.  I knew it was happening when we were outside.  She now had many injuries, injuries that are physically still present today.  He was a criminal.  He is still a criminal and now in prison for doing the same things to his four oldest daughters.  By God's Grace I was not hurt.  By my mother's protection I was not physically hurt.  I was however emotionally and verbally scarred.

We lived in hiding for about six months.  This was a very stressful, lonely and dark time.  I had not joy.  It was 1988, the centenary of Australia's discovery.  We were given special medallions at school.  What a great memory.  An act of kindness from almost an inanimate person, every Australian school child received one.  This was so special to me.  How sad I think now to know how deprived and sad life was back then to find such importance in this menial gift.

Sometimes we laughed, often we didn't.  On a trip to the laundry mat one day I remember the washing detergent spilling all over the car.  We came to a halt, Mum got out.  She decided to laugh - thank goodness.  Laughing is much better than shouting.  

I was able to spend my pocket money too.  I remember buying new barbies.  Toys that could be safe and clean in my new home.  I seemed to revert to younger childhood play.  I also got a new baby doll and loved playing mothers.  This was safe.  Going to bed was safe, I liked my bedroom.  We were still tense and lots of stress and shouting.  It was very exhausting and depressing.

He still waited for us outside the house.  My mother remembered his threats to kill her and us.  She told us this now.  Life was a dream.  Mum tried to fix it and we went to a counselor.  This was just horrible.  He was scary and smelt of mothballs.  I just wanted to forget.  I wanted to dream.  I wanted to be safe.

We still visited our Father every second weekend.  They had their own problems - but it was still cosy.  My new half-sister was to be born soon.  My Father was always punctual, we went out and had fun.  As as adult I have heard the term 'Disneyland Dad'.  He was not quite like that, but the second signs of the Narcissistic Father that left my mother were reflecting within my Father and Step-Mum's relationship.  My brothers would be the subject of their problems.  My poor innocent brothers.  Boys who had been hurt emotionally too and just wanted to belong.  They wanted to have a hero and feel safe too.  Once again, they were not people pleasers.  Life for me was much easier being a people pleaser, quiet and nice.  I didn't get yelled at as much.

It is the end of 1988 and we move to my Grandparents house in South Gippsland.  They were on holidays in Europe - we stay there for our beginning at our new school in our new 'hometown'.  It was the country - I didn't grow up there.  I didn't belong.  That is how I felt for a long time.  These were farmers kids, they had roots in the soil of the rolling hills.  There families were established towns people.  Once again I felt alone.
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Love to you all.  Will keep going on Squiggly Sundays!  Have to go and prissy my self up now for a family wedding this afternoon.  I am so excited - I even bought a new frock!  Don't forget to add your Squiggly Sunday story below - I'd love to read it and we have so many following now - it's great to share.

Much love to you and yours
Rach xo


My linky tools are not working - so I will get back to my original plan of splicing it up with guest posts on a Sunday.  Please let me know if you would like to be a guest writer on Squiggly Sundays!  Thanks x

3 comments:

  1. Thanks so much being being open to sharing your memories. I know that by your openess you will help so many. Much love and a big hug, Mel

    ReplyDelete
  2. I keep my breath while reading your story, I can feel your pain. I know that we grow and leave the past behind, but it is difficult to get rid of all the feelings, especially when they are about fear, abandon, violence and injustice.
    Yet, it is good to recognise those feelings and being able to share them.
    Post a picture of yourself with the new frock, I would like to see you in it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Rach, I've been waiting for part 2, how I want to hug you and take all of this away. Since I can't I'll just look forward to reading the next installment to see how God continues to rescue and heal your family.

    ReplyDelete

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