Sunday, July 22, 2012

Angry

***NB: I have not posted much lately about my headspace - 
do not read any further if you want 
the airy fairy Squiggly blog***

A few years ago I was speaking to my psych about anger.  It is something I seem to not do well.  I didn't seem to outwardly express any anger... it all stayed bottled up.  Probably a little life experience in childhood contributing to this attribute many have said they admire.

I don't think there is much admirable about bottling up anything.  It just leads to other issues, which I seem to have plenty of.  I have thought for a good few years since my chats with Jane about whether or not I actually do get angry.  What happens to it - I don't yell or shout.  I find that very difficult to do - again that little girl from way back feels somewhat compelled to be the good girl.

Yesterday I discovered I do have anger - and I think I keep it hidden in a little box in my heart.  This box is wrapped tightly like a gift, but it is no gift.  It doesn't even explode really, I'm not sure what it does.  I don't like upsetting people, I like to please (hello little girl).  So saying no to people gives me the guilt's and I feel like a terrible friend.

Yesterday we spent four hours in the garden, pulling weeds, ripping out some horrible grass plant that has taken over the garden beds.  We had a couple of stubborn baby ferns.  Master S and Miss G taught me that if you kick them, sit on them and wobble them to the extreme they will eventually come out quite easily.

Yesterday I kicked and jumped on the ferns as instructed by my kids.  It was good fun really.  Then I found myself laughing and telling Miss G let's pretend we are kicking someone.... Where did that come from?  That little girl was definitely not there - perhaps my womanhood is escaping out of that little box.

**another note: I read another blog this week that blogging is cheaper than therapy - and I think I am experiencing this right now... answering my own life secrets as I type... 
they are showing themselves***



The people that came to my mind surprised me.  I didn't realise I was angry at them.  Both of them.  As I kicked these ferns with my red gumboots on... I was letting go of some anger.  Anger I didn't know I had.  It did feel good.  But I suppose I wonder why, how, we are taught as children to not do or be certain things and then we are undoing the knitting as adults.

I'm angry at my friends for seperating.  I'm angry at them for letting their children down.  I'm angry that my once were children's role models stuffed up big time.  I'm angry at them for being selfish.  There, I said it.  I thought I was just a bit pissed, but I've realised from my fern experience - I'm angry!

I know it is not good to be quick to anger - I feel I am not.  Mr DCT this morning however left me behind at home as I was taking too long getting ready and shouted through he front door "I'M GOING" in his very extremely rare booming voice.  I must have angered him.  Oops.

What about you?  Are you quick to anger?  Do you suppress it?  Are you passive like me?

Rach xx


9 comments:

  1. I spent my first few decades as an extreme bottler. Those closest to me could literally feel it radiating off my person...
    Matt makes being angry ok, because I know he will love me no matter what, plus he really pisses me off sometimes.
    Love you always.

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    Replies
    1. and I love you too my friend! xx If I get angry at you is that okay? I have never been, but one day I might, but I will still love you! xxx

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    2. Of course, I hope you tell me all about it! And then we can drink wine and cry because people who love each other, hurt each other and thats when it hurts the very most. It is the great tragedy of love that we learn the most about pain through it....

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  2. I found running to be good therapy, previously. Hugs. Lx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, running, I have been thinking about taking it up for about a year now... I just have to do it! xx

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  3. I used to bottle anger, and a lot of other emotions. Not good. I've learned to just feel what I feel, and not try and fight it...and I encouage the same in my kids. Becuase really, we are always going to feel what we feel, aren't we...there's not real stopping it so it makes sense to acknowledge it. Thanks for sharing xx

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    Replies
    1. It does make sense, I think the reasons have been learnt behaviours... behaviours that were and are unhealthy - I'm learning to feel what I feel and teach my children that too... ahhh the journey! xx

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  4. Interesting.
    I can be quick to anger, mostly if I get critisised ( I am doing the best I can!!). Most of the time I am not at all, some people call it patient? But patient comes with a residue anger with me. I HAVE to be patient, I work in a kindergarten, I have 3 children of my own, I have a diabetic husband with short term memory problems because he had a stroke. I am either patient or go crazy. So I am patient, but the residue builds till I crack.... crying is my outlet, a stress relief of sorts and I always feel better and ok and back to patient when I am done!

    Truthfully, I love getting older (I am up to 37!). I have my shit together mentally more as each year passes. I can move on from my childhood and not let it be in charge.

    Onward and upward I say!!


    Jacq

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  5. I have a red head's 'hot' temper, but true anger doesn't seem to be in me much. If I had a big fern to pull out, though... maybe quite a few things would surface for me too. I think my anger is mainly 'disappointment' rather than true anger.

    Get it out, Rach. x

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