Sunday, September 2, 2012

To Bob

I thought about you today.  I tried not to, but I did. It's Fathers Day here in Australia.  I wonder if you will ever realise what you could have been.  What we all wanted.  What we valued.  I wonder if you know that you are of value.  Strangely there are six of us from three that have done, do today and may think and feel this.  I wonder if there are any more.  More to different mothers.

There are another little six Grandchildren who would adore you.  If only you let them.  If only what we desired so greatly all our lives was what you desired too.  Is there not an inbuilt radar that if you have children that love you - a Father should love them back?  I imagined there would be.  I am more than glad mine have a reciprocal relationship with theirs.

So today your Grandson played in his first football grand final.  Your daughter missed you and wished it was different.  I am sure your others thought of you today.  What is lost, what could be if you didn't run.

I read something last week.  It made me think of you.  If only you realised what your worth was.  Did you ever know this I wonder?  How could you not.  I think you told me lies.  It's been almost a year.  The last I heard you were checking what my brother had told one of your ex's so the other didn't know.  Playing games, I figured it out.  I'm not playing any more.

I read something last week.  It reminded me of you.  A Dad is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love.  How could you not know we adored you.  We did not choose you - we were given to you.  If only you realised that you were that hero and love.  If only.  Things would be different.  I pray your life one day makes meaning and sense.  Not of the narcissistic type.  I pray for a miracle - because I have figured that is what it will take.

12 comments:

  1. This sounds so sad :( I hope your last prayer comes true :( x

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  2. Oh Rach..
    I love you and I'm so sorry.
    Know that you have found a father for your children that aptly counters all the loses you've carried.
    I'm proud of you for not playing anymore.
    Happy fathers day.
    oxox

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  3. Yet another thing that makes me think we are similar.

    To mine, I think he could have, should have, but didn't. I know he is capable, chooses to with some but not others.

    When I mention his name, my children say 'Who??'. I am a great person, my children are awesome. And he has missed it. I am just making sure this apple falls far far away from that tree.

    I feel truely blessed that my children have been graced with 2 fantastic fathers, bio and step, to guide them through lifes journey and to be their friend when it all turns to shit!

    XX for you Rach, life is a funny journey filled with funny people and I mean funny wierd, not funny ha ha!

    Jacq

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes I think I am over it.... but there was a time that I had a nice Dad... not sure where he went!

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    2. Well that is a big shame Rach. I hope the nice dad returns very soon

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    3. or maybe I just thought he was nice because I was too young to understand!

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  4. oh Rach, what a post, made me tear up.
    here we are both missing our dads, mine I can't ever see again and you wishing you could find your "nice" dad.

    sending you my love & hoping that one day you will find him again ♥

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  5. Oh... just flicking back through your posts and this one grabbed me. It is my story too. I felt it on Fathers day too. I wondered how my dad, who had been such a great dad, could just ignore me as an adult, and not just me - his first grandkids who are amazing boys. My kids asked me a couple of years ago if my dad was dead. Sometimes I wish he was - the hurt and sadness of losing a parent to death has got to at least be sweeter than the rejection. I too am grateful for the man I have - I know he won't hurt his kids like my dad did. xo

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